Excessive Apologies: How to Break the Cycle

Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.