Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship

Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.