Did the winner execute a masterstroke? Or did the loyal contestants simply perform exceptionally – that is to say mind-blowing badly? Debates will flourish on social media for ages, in any case the champion of the inaugural – and likely not the final – series of The Celebrity Traitors is the deceptive Alan Carr.
When first anointed by the emcee, viewers assumed he could not endure a single hour. And he did not. “I am nauseous. I suffer from a moisture dilemma and find it impossible to maintain a secret.” He also cannot whisper or recall whether he’s won a shield.
Nonetheless, encircled, by several of the least astute players of the game for quite some time, he made it through, evolving into the role with alarming simplicity. He concluded with a dramatic touch, bursting into partially insincere weeping about how difficult it had been for him to carry the murderous burden.
The remaining pair of faithfuls, rushed to comfort him (“It was destroying me internally!”). At home, it’s easy to picture heavenward looks and shouts.
In the beginning of the final, there had been five left players of the starting group of nineteen. After one last group mission, featuring a locomotive, a cash sum in locked boxes, keys and clues scattered across the carriages, and two metal-bound caskets (“I took the lead a bit there,” says one player of the revealing. “Since I was willing to lose a finger”), they convened for their last round table.
A pair of players submitted their choices for another player, in spite of the academic’s remarkable track of reasoning himself to every wrong conclusion possible. I remain firm in my belief that this player would have made the most superb deceiver, but as a faithful he was disastrous.
He succeeded to choose a different player at the gathering, nonetheless, and she was rightfully expelled in the end.
With four left. I can hardly bear to narrate what happened next. One contestant … had a moment. A period when he suspected his trusted companion. One of the greatest love stories of our or any age, between the biggest personality and the smallest figure on TV, the athlete and the brainteaser expert, staggered under the impact as the hesitant one displayed his last vote to show his dearest companion’s name.
The voted-out player stood firm – he is not built for it – but had he been able, he could have. “Yet I care for you,” the voter said, helplessly.
The eliminated player left, the last duo thought they were safe and subsequent to an activity featuring tossing bags into a blaze, the group chose to finish the game.
Being the only surviving traitor, the champion was announced as the victor and secured the full prize pot for the pediatric cancer organization. However, the crucial point is that when the presenter guided the quintet to a meeting on the fortress stairs, amends was instant.
I am going to, along with the more than 13 million other viewers, miss them all. (Apart from two contestants who lacked the occasion to do much, and a different who did not express regret for bungling a particular challenge.)
I will long for the intense anger of a certain contestant, the dramatic grief of a different one, the utter inability of a further contestant to interpret events without self-reference.
I shall miss one participant’s aversion to lengthy terms, a pair’s humor, an artist’s sheer presence, a star as the essence of everything that stays positive in this flawed existence, a veteran host as television’s last remaining showman, a kind-hearted player and the persistent paternal warmth of a cherished personality, in addition to all the endgame contestants.
Above all I shall miss the poise and refinement of an individual participant, so remarkably majestic even when yelling into a shaft or breaking wind in a cabin. As the presence beneath the presenter’s locks emphasized on numerous instances, you were, largely, terrible as players. But you were superb, fantastic amusement.
The Celebrity Traitors can be found for watching now.
Elara is a digital artist and designer passionate about blending technology with creativity to inspire others.